Conflict Avoidance and Better Relationships

Alex* was determined to have successful kids.

He loved them and would do anything for them. But they were not doing well at school.

His wife, Patty*, indulged them too much. They could get away with anything, he thought. Every evening they struggled, disagreed, and did their best to hide it from the kids.

Patty was stopping him from being the father! The kids were always running to their mother.

“How can I get Patty to see what she is doing?”

Patty also wanted the kids to succeed. But Alex was too hard. Too hard on them and her! She asked me to please make him see that!

Kim* had a hard day.

The pressure at work was getting to her.

John*, her husband, had it easy, she thought as she came home. He works from home and likes his job.

“I just don’t understand why he doesn’t want to listen to me anymore,” she thinks to herself.

As she walks into her home, she recalls that her friend at work says that all men are like that. She notices that it is 6:30 already.

“I am so hungry after all that,” she thinks as she opens the door. “Hi, John, what’s for dinner?”

“Dinner? I didn’t even think about it,” John replied.

“You never think anymore! You expect me to do everything? Don’t tell me how busy you are!”

Kim thought that he really could be selfish. And they were off to another unpleasant evening.

Tamika* and Allison* have been together for three years now.

If you can call “that” together.

Alison can be the sweetest of people, but when she felt wronged, nothing seemed to help. Every few months, one of them was on the way out, looking for a refuge.

Tamika always found a way to appease Allison, but she was tired. Something has got to change.

“What am I doing wrong?” she asked me.

Riyaz* and Medina* were best friends growing up.

They came to the USA. She pursued a career in banking, and he became a top lawyer.

But Medina felt that Riyaz wanted a wife like his mother and could not accept the modern woman that she had become. Riyaz insisted that was not true, but they both knew something was very “off.”

Small disagreements became major arguments. Riyaz eventually had a “work-wife.” Although he insisted there was nothing serious, the real problem was serious and had to be fixed.

“Why can’t they just listen?”

“I want to talk this out, have a conversation, find a solution… but it always turns into an argument.”

That’s what Carol* said as we began to talk about what she needed to work on. Underneath her calm demeanor, there was tension in her clenched hands.

“Who are you talking about?” I asked. “Are you referring to your husband, your partners… your kids?”

“I was thinking about my husband, but the conflict with my partners is more urgent,” she replied.

Carol had four partners (two men, two women) in an entertainment production firm. The business was growing quickly, and some of her partners never seemed to get things done on time… and it was “driving her crazy.”

The pressure at work, she reported, made for pressure at home. Her husband Ramish* also worked long, unpredictable hours as a physician in a local hospital.

Because Carol and her husband were always on the go, her in-laws often came to watch the kids. They had different expectations and caregiver styles, and these differences often created arguments between her, her mother-in-law, and her husband.

Jared* was completely stressed out. Here’s why…

He dreaded going to work. His annual review was coming up, and he had been butting heads with his manager a few times a week. He liked his job, but this manager was… (Jared filled in the blank with all sorts of expletives). If only he could get around his manager, he said, his career path would look fantastic. But if he didn’t, this conflict was going to ruin him.

Jared was smart and successful. He had graduated at the head of his class from a top business school. His personal life was as good as it could be. But his career was in jeopardy because of this issue.

Something has got to give.

All the clients mentioned above have something in common – they all want to work together, to feel that they have partners in life’s struggles.

But it gets to a point where the struggle seems to be about having a partner.

Why can’t she (or he) change?

Why can’t he (or she) see what I am going through?

Or maybe I have been going at it the wrong way?

We need someone to listen to both of us and show us how to do it differently.

At home or work, there will always be disagreements.

But there are ways to avoid conflict.

I know because I have reduced conflict in my life and helped many others find more peace than they ever expected. Even when I felt attacked, I have learned how to “disarm” the attack without agreeing, to show empathy and understanding even when the other is unreasonable.

I will teach you the five secrets of effective communication: Disarming an attack, Empathy, Inquiry, Assertiveness, and Stroking.

More importantly, we will practice them until your relationships become significantly better, AND you will continue to improve long after we are done!

For example, I taught Carol the five “secrets” of effective communication, and we analyzed a number of her interactions with the partners. In session, Carol practiced optimal responses to all sorts of disturbing situations. Carol diligently practiced between sessions, dedicating about 20 minutes every evening.

It took Carol about five weeks to turn everything around, but her partners came to see her as a transformed person. Better yet, her relationship with her husband and her husband’s family also improved dramatically. Of course, that did not mean there were NO disagreements or conflicts, but Carol had tools in her back pocket to keep them from getting out of hand when they surfaced.

Jared was determined to make a change. I showed him how to use a tool called the Relationship Journal (more on this below, too!) to analyze and formulate good communication.

Jared was concerned that he would have to give in and agree to everything his manager said, but I taught him the skills he needed to disarm his manager so that he wouldn’t have to concede.

He brought in real situations, and we practiced and gave each other real feedback.

Jared changed his way of responding to his manager, and soon his boss started to soften up. There were a few backslides, but soon the manager was “eating out of his hand.”

Conflict is NOT necessary. So, why not avoid it?

Whether at work or with friends and family, you can learn the skills you need for peace in your relationships. I will show you how, and we’ll practice them together until you see the results you’re looking for!

Call me now, and let’s get to work! (973) 944-0274

*The names and stories above are composite narratives and do not reflect actual clients.