Marital Therapy

The questions that keep ringing in your head…

Why should I even try?

Should we stay together for the kids’ sake?

Can we save this marriage?

Do I even want to save this marriage?

Did he (she) ever really love me?

Can’t I do better?

Do you know what’s brought you to this point?

Was it infidelity?
Yeah, that happened. But I knew I couldn’t trust him (her).
I knew something was going on, but…
Yeah, I did that. But it was because of (fill in the blank).
It was a real stab in the heart, but I still love her (him).

Addictive behavior?
I never said anything was wrong with smoking, but it has become too much.
If he is always with the video games, when can he be with me?
I know I need to cut back, but I don’t need all that nagging.
He (she) thinks it shouldn’t bother me. Well, I have had enough!

Or, maybe, after so many years of being together, you realize that something really important is missing. Perhaps it was missing initially, but you’re not quite sure.

You’ve probably tried everything…

After all, that’s what you do when you believe that marriage should be forever.

You have tried to ignore things.
You have been supportive.
You have tried convincing or arguing (maybe even too much!)
You have talked to your friends, parents, in-laws (or maybe you would never talk to them).
You have tried anger management therapy.
You have planned vacations. Maybe even gone on a few.
You have tried to bring in more money.
And don’t forget the couple’s retreat – they did have good food there.

Maybe you even went to couples therapy. But now, you see that it hasn’t worked… and you feel like it was all a waste of time and money.

Most marriages and relationships can be repaired, but…

It’s critical for each partner to make an honest assessment of their desire to improve the marriage. And even if both parties want to repair the relationship, a second assessment must be made as to how much time and effort each partner is willing to invest in doing it.

When we work together on marital issues, I will meet with both of you together one or two times. After that, there will be an extended period of individual work to help you control your reactivity and curb all those negative emotions and arguments that only seemed to happen in close or intimate relationships. (Been there, done that!)

Once the anger, resentment, blaming, and humiliation are under control, we can rebuild emotional intimacy and share life in a meaningful and pleasurable way again.

How can this be achieved?

Relationships are the interaction of two individuals. Once the basic issues are clarified, I will work with you to help you become less reactive when your partner pushes your buttons.

When he or she accuses you of something, do you get defensive, or do you blame him (her) or blame yourself, do you become demanding, or insist that you must make the other person see the truth? These are some of the habits we all are guilty of. We will identify your particular (go-to) habits and practice ways of avoiding them. And practice them again and again until you can avoid getting enraged.

Most of us tend to blame the other for causing the conflict. We will look at this carefully. Is the blame really worth it? Even if you think there is truth in it, is it the whole truth? Is it close to your partner’s truth? Or can the relationship be better served by rejecting the concept of blame and adopting a stance of being responsible for what happens from now on?

When you try to convince your partner of your truth and refuse to acknowledge that the other person has a view that has (at least) some validity, you get frustrated and angry.

Then we will also learn the secrets of effective communication and cultivating emotional intimacy. Effective communication, especially in intimate relationships, is easy to learn but very hard to master. (Isn’t that a line they use to sell games?)

But in our sessions, you will learn the principles and practice the methods. You will become more empathetic, learn when and how to get your point across, and become a master at showing positive feelings. We will analyze and give feedback until you see significant improvement in your relationship and then some.

You have had enough.

You can change it all. You want to be happy in your marriage and recapture what you had in the beginning.

Call me: (973) 944-0274. Let’s talk.

If you are willing to do the work, I can get you to that joyous life you desperately want. We can do it.